Gifts from the Goddess

I arose on my own, which is no longer typical. The comfort of my nest woos me to stay. Something, someone, tugs at me today. I arise and I see her, my darling Moon.

Goddess moon led me home last night. Her warm, round presence like a smile. A remembering, my crystals, put them out to receive the blessing of the month. Then alas, the mists had another idea.

Then I realize this morning, the light. The Goddess is back, cool this time, like the snow she serenely looks upon. My treasures and I bask in her luminous energy.

Thank you Moon, I adore you.

A Sisyphean Task

I am satisfied that Joseph Robinette Biden is president. He was not my choice, but I believe he will try to work for the many, not just the few. Still, I am tired of white men running things. A text conversation with two of my loved ones today has me itchy for similar reasons. They each shared a ‘feel good’ article about individuals reaching across the political divide ^{1 2}. The people in the articles have come to respect and care about each other, but remain unmoved in terms of the political divide.

It is a good and right thing to promote understanding and peace in the world, but at the end of the day if the systems of power remain unchanged then great swaths of people remain oppressed. After spending the better part of two years strengthening a relationship with someone who was across the political divide from me and watching that person vote for people who believe his gay child’s rights should be abridged, my reproductive rights should be abridged, his parents disability needs should be ignored, that public education should be torn down, that police are good people and therefore they don’t need to held accountable, I’m done spending my energy on that Sisyphean task. I want to spend my energies trying to support causes and people who are speaking strongly in favor of basic human rights and the environment.

I do not have a need to demonize people who don’t agree with me, but I can’t allocate my resources to a task that sees nothing change for people who are suffering and dying or that makes the climate worse. I no longer want to be Sisyphus, give me Circe any day.

¹One county, worlds apart: Bridging the political divide https://apnews.com/article/1ca9c76a48b5b20371ae6491e425d184

²He saw her marriage as ‘unnatural’. She called him ‘bigoted’. Now, they hug. https://apnews.com/article/1ca9c76a48b5b20371ae6491e425d184

³ Circe by Madeline Miller http://madelinemiller.com/circe/

365 days

hope

anticipation

disappointment

social distancing

creativity

closeness

growth

bravery

pride

regret

walking away

action

election

cancer

insurrection

fear

inauguration

relief

hope

covid sCARES

Today I had to call a co-worker/friend and apologize. Yesterday I had a fight with her. She was not fighting with me. She was being her usual self-unflappable, kind, and simply trying to get her own message through my not listening. As it turns out my fear was standing there between us as it always does. I believed she was having a cavalier attitude about COVID, about social distancing, about businesses being closed and a million other things. I finally said, I guess we’ll agree to disagreed. However, she persisted and I listened a little better. I was too worked up to ask good questions.

Good questions are my secret within me to finding why I’m stuck. Asking others questions, when I’m listening, helps me understand others. However fear walks in and stands in the way sometimes. I didn’t feel right for hours. I didn’t feel right when I arose. I sat with myself, I noticed my fear, my fear for her safety, for her family’s safety, for my safety. damnit, COVID is scary, still so very, very much we don’t know. When I sat with my fear, I noticed how much I care about her, her family and how scared I am of losing people. I need her to be there at work, she is my best friend at work and I have at times taken her for granted.

So I called her. I told her these things. I told her that I was sorry for getting angry. She wanted to explain and I didn’t let her. I assumed that she felt bad because she’d led with I’m sorry. I didn’t let her take care of my fear or defend herself or whatever it was she needed because I was busy worrying about whether I had burdened her with my fear. I keep working on trying to do better but my mind and my fear jump to the next thing. PAUSE. BREATHE. LISTEN. BE CURIOUS. CLARIFY. LISTEN MORE.

Here’s a link to a COVID article I read today. Take care of each other. Listen to each other and love well.

Transformation

This is my old friend Skeptic. When she’s in a good mood, skeptic tells me that I should be cautious. She says the facts don’t support the feeling. But most of the time the skeptic speaks urgently about how self healing and magic are nonsense. She calls them “floaty woo woo”. She is very concerned what other people think. She is scared that the world will crush what’s left of who she is. She hides in the shadows. She is sad and only half alive.

This is Fear. He is pain. He is a bully. He is small and weak and afraid of being found out. He is a fraud, he leers at me to keep me in my place so that I won’t look too closely and find out his secret. He has no real power.

As I have looked hard at my old, tired, familiar friends; Fear and Skepticism, they’ve been transformed into Compassion and Curiosity.

I am a Seeker

I have been on a journey to find myself and

I was here the whole time.

I grow, I change, I expand, yet I am here

and always have been.

I am Divine, I am a part of creation and

creation is a divine impulse, and gift, in me.

I am a Seeker, I am Divine, I am here and always have been.

“How Are You?”

“Good Morning”, “Good Afternoon”, “Hello”….and so the greetings go, but most people have been conditioned to think that the greeting is insufficient, that it needs more.  Invariably, people choose “How are you?” as the follow up to their greeting. I struggle with that. A LOT.

Does the random stranger really want to know that my husband died five years ago, that I seem to be feeling grief today? Does my coworker really want to know that I stayed up too late last night and I have a headache? Do I really want to share this information, with these people?

In my life I tend to be pretty frank. However, in the greeting game I struggle. There are people who need to know my true and honest answer, there are people don’t. There are people who care about my true and honest answer, people who don’t. The whole lot comes down to: why do we ask the question if we don’t care about the answer? It seems as though it is because our society dictates that we be polite, we are supposed to say “hello, how are you?” But I struggle with that because, the truth of the matter is that most people don’t want the answer to the question nor do they want to answer truthfully. They are simply being polite.

On the occasions that I forget and answer honestly, I am reminded of a scene in the movie Groundhog’s Day. Early in the day, the bed and breakfast owner says to Bill Murray (who is a weatherman by profession), “There’s talk of a blizzard.” Phil (Bill Murray’s character) goes into a rather protracted weather report in which he predicts that the blizzard is going to miss Punxsutawney, the town where the Groundhog celebration is held. As he closes, he asks “Did you want to talk about the weather or were you making idle chitchat?” She looks a little sheepish, and down at her hands and says “chitchat”. He, of course, walks away annoyed. The interesting thing about this exchange is that Phil is quite jaded and cares about nothing and nobody at this point in the film. However, for this brief moment we see how passionate he is about the weather, something the rest of us don’t really care all that much about. It is much the same with the greeting “How are you?” for me. When people ask me how I am, I want to tell them, but know that no one, for the most part, really cares. And when I ask, I genuinely want to know and I’m pretty good at picking up on people who are just masking their true emotions because they don’t want to share or perceive I don’t really care. I’m trying to come up with different greetings so that the exchange feels less disingenuous. Interestingly, I keep landing on the weather.

“Good morning, there’s talk of a blizzard” sounds great in the heat of July.

5 Years

Divorce

Death

Marriage

Graduation

Broken Bones

Champions

Cancer

Death

The Reckoning

Another Graduation

5 years

I Am

Spirit

Higher Power

Goddess

one

god

Allah

Light

Jehovah

Universe

Trees

Creation

Love

Rain in December

Today I asked my 17 year old if he wanted to go on a Climate March with me. He said “probably not”. That’s code for no. I then asked him what he thought he owed the world or other people. He didn’t follow….I explained that I meant what is his mission or purpose. (Did I mention it’s rainy and about 40 degrees?) He gestured to the window and said “I would but…” In fairness, the environment is my passion and it’s not his. I no more expected him to go than start flying, except sometimes he surprises me.

I shifted gears to teach a life lesson, but decided to ask one more question instead. “Outside this conversation, what do you do for the world, what’s important to you?” His answer, “Help other people”. Simple, direct, lovely. And he does, when he notices or is asked. Always. Made me think of my Grandpa Skak who used to recite poetry. Among the many poems he shared with me was this one.

Abou Ben Adhem

Abou Ben Adhem (may his tribe increase!)

Awoke one night from a deep dream of peace,

And saw, within the moonlight in his room,

Making it rich, and like a lily in bloom,

An angel writing in a book of gold:—

Exceeding peace had made Ben Adhem bold,

And to the Presence in the room he said

“What writest thou?”—The vision raised its head,

And with a look made of all sweet accord,

Answered “The names of those who love the Lord.”

“And is mine one?” said Abou. “Nay, not so,”

Replied the angel. Abou spoke more low,

But cheerly still, and said “I pray thee, then,

Write me as one that loves his fellow men.”
The angel wrote, and vanished. The next night

It came again with a great wakening light,

And showed the names whom love of God had blessed,

And lo! Ben Adhem’s name led all the rest.

James Henry Leigh Hunt

I’ve always thought that this was pretty inspirational and so is my kid.

PS I’m going to this Climate Walk, surely the environment is “helping” our cause by raining on December 13 in Iowa. Pretty sure 30 years ago this would have been a snowstorm that would have kept us indoors all day.